This just in, these Absolut Vodkas now have Orthodox Union certification:

ABSOLUT PEPPAR
ABSOLUT APEACH
ABSOLUT KURANT
ABSOLUT RASPBERRI
ABSOLUT RUBY RED

Since unflavored vodkas are inherently kosher, plain Absolut’s new heksher can be ignored.

I’m a serious carnivore. Meat for dinner at least 4 times a week (gasp!). Lost 60 pounds on a low-carb diet, eating eggs and beef-fry for breakfast at least once a week. Meat, meat, meat. So the Nine Days present somewhat of a culinary challenge. Generally I use the time to be creative. Yesterday I decided to conduct a little experiment with DynaSea’s mock shrimp.

I have used DynaSea’s mock-crab sticks before (in a great mock-crab-salad recipe) and of course had them in sushi-rolls, but I had never had the shrimp. I took a recipe for Spicy Grilled Shrimp from the new Grilling cookbook from the Culinary Institute of America (I’m working on a review) and substituted the mock-shrimp. A quick Asian Cucumber Salad on the side, and this was the result:

(Yes, the grilled scallions were just for effect. Turns out that they’re pretty good grilled.)

I think it looks pretty appetizing - don’t you? Unfortunately, it didn’t meet my taste-expectations. It wasn’t bad or anything - just blah. What went wrong? Firstly, mock-shrimp are not absorbent at all. They are sold as a fully-cooked product and soaked up none of the marinade. So I drizzled some leftover marinade over the finished product, improving them slightly. The larger problem was the consistency/taste of the shrimp. If I had to describe them in one word, I would say doughy. Are real shrimp like this? I imagine not. I kept thinking of gnocchi (or shliskes, if you’re in touch with your inner-Hungarian). Dense and doughy, they really didn’t convey a sense of seafood. They were more like a starchy side-dish then a main course. I’ve seen them given the cornklake-crumb/deep-fry treatment and served with cocktail sauce as a Kosher Shrimp Cocktail - I imagine they function more as a novel way to eat cocktail sauce than as a dish of their own. So much for that experiment.

(Here are parts 1, 2, and 3)

Meatless Supper #7: Pasta With Chunky Tomato Sauce
DH started making his own pasta sauce when he lived in downtown Montreal, where hekhshered sauce isn’t readily available (or wasn’t five years ago). You can use any kind of pasta, of course, but I think rotinni is best for catching all the chunks. We usually eat this with cheddar or jack cheese, since good kosher parmesean is difficult to come by. (It’s an unconventional combination, but a good one.)
Serves about 4 (8 according to the nutrition labels)

1 1-lb box pasta, plus water, oil, and salt, for cooking

1 28-0z can crushed tomatoes in tomato puree*
4-5 mushrooms, chopped
2-3 scallions, sliced
1 tablespoon minced garlic
italian seasoning (basil, oregano, thyme, etc.), to taste
freshly ground black pepper, to taste
1 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil
3 tablespoons dry wine (preferably red), or 1 tablespoon vodka
1 teaspoon sugar
hot sauce, to taste
a few leaves of fresh basil, shredded (entirely optional)
shredded or grated cheese, to serve

Fill a large stock pot with water and set over a high flame.

Combine remaining ingredients (except cheese) in 1-quart saucepan and mix well. Bring to a light boil over medium heat, then reduce heat to low and simmer uncovered.

When the water reaches a rolling boil, add the pasta and cook according to package directions. When the pasta is ready, the sauce is ready, too. Top each plate of pasta with cheese and then with sauce. (The hot sauce will melt the cheese nicely.)

*Different brands of crushed tomato have different consistencies, and this can have a major impact on the consistency of the sauce. We’ve found Contadina to be too liquidy and Shaw’s brand too chunky. Red Pack is our current favorite.

Meatless Supper #8: Mengedarrah With Brown Rice and Moroccan Seasoning
Mungedarrah (or mujadarrah) is a pan-Middle Eastern dish of lentils and rice. Two years ago, I wrote about its connection to the Nine Days and provided a recipe. This is a whole grain version with a more interesing seasoning combination. I like to serve it as a side dish when we have vegetarian guests for a meat meal, but it is also a satisfying meal in itself and a good choice for the se`udah mafseket before Tisha B’Av, which traditionally consists of no more than one cooked dish. (The simpler salt-and-pepper version may be more appropriate for that occasion, though.)

1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil
1 large onion (about 2 cups), chopped
4 cloves garlic, crushed
1-2 teaspoons salt (to taste)
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
2 teaspoons ground cumin
2 teaspoons ground coriander
freshly ground pepper, to taste
1 cup long-grain brown rice
1 cup brown or green lentils
4 3/4 cups water
yogurt to serve (optional)

Heat oil in a 2-quart saucepan over medium heat. Add onion, garlic, and seasoning and sautee until onions are fairly soft, 10-15 minutes. Add rice and cook about 1 minute, stirring.

Add the lentils and water. Bring to a boil. Cover, reduce heat to low, and simmer until all the water is absorbed, about 40-45 minutes, checking occasionally to make sure that it isn’t sticking. (If it is, add a bit more water.) Serve with yogurt, if desired.

Ari and Emily sent in the following report about their trip to Philadelphia. Enjoy!

We hit three restaurants - Chinese Vegetarian Kosher Restaraunt, Maccabeam, and Maxim (which I don’t believe has any relation to the magazine, as I didn’t see Tara Reid anywhere.).

Maccabeam, an Israeli-style grill which is about 8 blocks from the center of the historic downtown, came highly recommended. After locating the restaurant and entering somewhat dingy confines, we were pleasantly surprised by prompt table service. The metal tableware and ample seating stood in stark contrast to a meal at Rami’s. Despite being denied a few menu items because of the impending Fourth of July (”No Lafas or Lamb — our meat order didn’t come in”), E and I were quite happy with the food. We shared a steak and onions pita, and a shwarma pita. We were pleased that the salad in the pocket was fresh and tangy, with a notable amount of parsley and lemon juice that we both enjoyed. The meat in each of our pitas tasted pretty similar, although the schwarma dripped clear oil and the steak a tasty yellow substance. The french fries were really lousy. Don’t get those.

Chinese Kosher Vegetarian Restaurant, in Chinatown, gets respect for having a terrible name. Unfortunately, Cherry Street possesses a strong and unpleasant odor. Once inside, I was falsely seduced by the variety of wheat gluten dishes which included “pork” and a variety of “chicken” and “beef” efforts. I made the mistake of ordering the sweet and sour pork. It was well presented but disappointing, with balls of fried glutein smothered in a bottled sweet and sour sauce. E’s Tai Chin Chicken was awesome. It came with some weird jelly that we poked, and some crazy glutin blobs, but the sauce was tastier than anything “Uncle Ta’am” puts out. The soups were also interesting, with an unusually thick hot and sour broth. I enjoyed the vegetable (as opposed to meat) wontons in my soup, though they fell apart when touched. I would say that the restaurant merits a return visit, but I wish I had known to get one of the better dishes. Of course, for a total lunch cost of $13 for two people, including tip, whatever.

Maxim, a LARGE Israeli style restaurant next to our hotel, was a bit overwhelmed by our party of about 30 people. Since we all ordered at the same time, I don’t feel right really reviewing the quality of the food. The shwarma and beef kabob platters that we shared were solid, unspectacular examples of the genre, though we did find some undercooked chicken. The five people around me thought that the side of cilantro-flavored rice was spectacular. I thought the portions were small for the $14-18 price range.

The real highlight of Philly was the Kosher Experience in the ShopRite neighboring Maxim. This subsection of the store was as large as the Butcherie, and laid out in a less-threatening manner — the Butcherie should learn that high shelves intimidate shoppers, but I digress. We bought 79-cent bags of Bloomy’s candy, were shocked at $1.99 for Rubashkin Turkey Deli Slices, and drooled at the huge cheese selection. The wife and I planned to split a $7.99 rotisserie chicken for breakfast, but ultimately decided against it. Are the high real estate prices the reason that this can’t be replicated in Boston’s supermarkets?

(Here are parts 1 and 2)

Meatless Supper #5: Hot and Sour Tofu Stir-Fry
This is another very flexible recipe. The vegetables listed below are only one option. In my opinion, stir-frys are only slightly better with oil, so feel free to omit the grease.
serves about 3

1 cup (dry) brown rice, plus water, oil, and salt for cooking

peanut or canola oil (optional)
1 tablespoon minced garlic
2-3 scallions, thinly sliced (whites and greens)
1 Italian eggplant,* diced (peeling is optional)
1 lb extra-firm tofu, cubed
1 small head broccoli in small florettes
1/2 lb snow peas
1 6-0z can water chestnuts
1 14-oz can baby corn
1-inch piece ginger, minced (optional)
1/2 cup lightly salted cashews (optional)

Hot and Sour Sauce
1/2 cup reduced sodium soy sauce
1 tablespoon cornstarch (optional)
1/2 cup dry white wine, parve broth, or a combination
3 tablespoons ketchup
2 tablespoons rice vinegar
1 teaspoon sugar
hot sauce to taste

Cook the rice. (Brown rice takes about 45 minutes to cook, which is about 20 minutes longer than this stir-fry takes, including cutting the vegetables. Eat your salad in the meantime )

Prepare the vegetables and set aside. Prepare the sauce: Combine a small amount of soy sauce with the corn starch (if using) and mix well to remove lumps. Add remaining ingredients and mix well.

Heat a few tablespoons of oil or 1/4 cup sauce in a 9-inch skillet over a medium flame. Add the garlic, scallions, and eggplant and stir-fry until the garlic begins to brown (if using oil) and the scallions and eggplant soften. Add tofu, remaining vegetables, ginger, and nuts and stir fry for about 1 minute. Add remaining sauce, bring to a light boil, and simmer until the broccoli and snow peas are just tender. Serve over rice.

*Some cooks salt and drain eggplant before cooking in order to remove any bitter juices and prevent it from getting soggy. We do not salt our eggplant and have not encountered a bitter one since we began using the small Italian variety and choosing eggplant with smooth, glossy skin. However, the eggplant in this recipe does become quite soft.

Note: I’ve found that it takes a generous quantity of hot sauce to season this much stir-fry. It is a good idea to taste the sauce to make sure that it is as hot as you’d like it.

Meatless Supper #6: Tempeh and Vegetables in Peanut-Yogurt Sauce Read the rest of this entry »

A Yated reader is “dismayed.”

I wonder: If the animals were kosher, would it be all right to eat the crackers with milk?

Just over the wire today from the Young Israel of Brookline mailing list, Harvard Street’s Shalom Beijing, a local kosher landmark for over ten years, is closing its doors. The last day it will operate as a kosher establishment is Tuesday, July 25.

Most critically, that leaves Boston with no source for kosher sushi. While I would not recommend that Boston’s next kosher venture be another pan-Asian restaurant, I think a nice kosher sushi joint would be a welcome addition.

UPDATE: According to a local resident, the owner and mashgiach have confirmed that “they are going treif after close of business Tuesday night.”

If so, your pooch is in luck: JP Licks now has a line of frozen desserts especially for lactose intolerant, halakhically observant Jewish dogs.

At last, a place to take Fido and his friends after the next Bark Mitzvah.

Hat tip to Shanna.

(Part 1 is here.)

Here are a couple of very flexible, quick and easy fish recipes. The timing is for thin fish, such as sole or trout, served fairly rare. Add a few minutes for thicker fish, such as salmon or cod, or if you prefer it well done.

Meatless Supper #3: Broiled Fish Fillets in Lemon-Butter Sauce
This is a very simple but tasty recipe that works with almost any kind of fish. Serve with rice pilaf, couscous, or steamed vegetables.
serves 2-4

butter or cooking spray (for the pan)
1 lb fish fillets
salt and pepper to taste
2 tablespoons butter
dried tarragon (or other herb or spice of your choice)
juice of 1 lemon
a little bit of water

Preheat broiler. Grease a 9 x 13 inch pan or coat with nonstick spray.

Wash fish and pat dry with paper towels. Sprinkle both sides with salt and pepper. Place in pan. (Very delicate fish, such as trout, is generally cooked with the skin attached. Lay the fillets in the pan skin side down.)

Cut butter into thin slices and distribute over fish. Spoon lemon juice onto fish and sprinkle with tarragon. Add water, so that the combination of water and juice rises about 1/4 inch up the side of the pan.

Broil 8-10 minutes or until fish is cooked through, turning thicker fillets once. (To test for doneness, slice through the thickest part of the thickest fillet and make sure that it is the same color all the way through.) Serve immediately, with sauce from the pan spooned over each serving.

Meatless Supper #4: Fish Fillets in Spicy Tomato Sauce
This recipe works best with thin, mild-flavored fish, such as sole, tilapia, or bass. It has no added oil, so it’s great for people who are watching their weight. Serve with rice or couscous.
serves 2-4

1 24-oz can diced tomatoes in tomato puree
1/4 cup dry red or white wine (preferable, but not strictly necessary)
1/2 tablespoon minced garlic
hot sauce to taste
dried parsley, tarragon, and/or other spices, to taste
1 lb fish fillets
salt and pepper to taste

Combine the tomatoes, wine, garlic, hot sauce, and spices in a 9-inch skillet and mix well. Cook over medium-low heat until the sauce begins to bubble.

Meanwhile, wash the fish and pat dry with paper towels. Sprinkle both sides with salt and pepper. Add to the sauce and simmer 8-10 minutes, or until cooked through (see above). Serve immediately.

DH and I rarely eat meat on weeknights, so the nine days are pretty effortless for us. I thought that I’d share some of my favorite dinners for the benefit of carnivores looking for new ideas. Each of these recipes takes under an hour to prepare, with less than 30 minutes of hands-on time.

But first things first: We usually begin dinner with a tossed salad with balsamic vinaigrette. This dressing is made in a blender or food processor, so it remains homogenized for about a week. It is very thick and flavorful, so you don’t have to use much.

Balsamic Vinaigrette

1 cup extra virgin olive oil
1/2 cup good balsamic vinegar
1 tablespoon dijon mustard
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
freshly ground black pepper to taste
italian seasoning (basil, oregano, parsley, thyme, etc.) to taste

Combine all ingredients in a blender or food processor and pulse until well blended. Store in an airtight container in the refrigerator for up to 1 month. If dressing separates, seal and shake the container. If oil congeals, whisk briskly or microwave for 10 seconds.

For Passover: Omit mustard. (This version will not homogenize well, so there is little advantage to preparing it in a blender or food processor. Simply combine the ingredients in an airtight container and shake well before each use.)

Read the rest of this entry »

I tried this recipe for dessert this past Shabbat, and it was a real crowd pleaser. I halved the recipe and made my own crust from Oreo crumbs. The only problem was that I forgot to grease the pan, so it stuck like mad.

A few notes for anyone who might like to try the recipe:
1. A 5 1/2 ounce box of Oreos is just enough for a 9-inch crust.
2. The best way to make cookie crumbs is to lay the cookies between two pieces of wax paper and crush them with a rolling pin. Keep rolling until they form fine, even crumbs.
3. Reese creme de menthe has an OU. Roland’s cream of coconut also has an OU. Goya cream of coconut does not have a hekhsher on the package, but is kosher according to the cRc as long as it is labeled “product of Dominican Republic.”
4. There are a number of brands of sweetened condensed milk bearing a hekhsher. You do not have to use Eagle Brand.

I’ve gained a little bit of weight recently, so I’m going to try to lay off the rich desserts for a while. Expect some lighter alternatives in upcoming posts.

UPDATE: I actually got this recipe wrong, for a very silly reason: I used cream of coconut, which, as DeisCane points out, is quite different from creme de cacau. The pie came out well anyway. I guess you can’t go too far wrong with Oreo cookies and heavy cream.

If Chanit can blog about food under these circumstances, I guess I can, too. And there’s good news from Elfland: I think I finally found my brownie recipe.

I’ve tried quite a few recipes for brownies, and, with one notable exception, none of them were bad. Still, they didn’t live up to my idea of what great brownies should taste like. The closest were “Fudge Brownies Supreme,” from Nancy Baggett’s All-American Cookie Book, but they were too sweet for my taste. This modified version of Baggett’s recipe yields rich, lucious, intensely chocolately brownies that satisfy like nothing else.

Enjoy:

1/2 cup (1 stick) plus 2 tablespoons butter or margarine or 1/2 cup canola oil
5 ounces unsweetened chocolate
2/3 cup all-purpose flour
1 1/2 tablespoons cocoa
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup granulated sugar
1/4 cup light brown sugar
3 eggs
2 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease an 8-inch square baking pan or coat with nonstick spray.

In a large, microwave safe bowl, microwave the butter and chocolate until the butter is completely melted (about 2 minutes). Remove from microwave and stir to finish melting the chocolate and blend the two ingredients. (Alternatively, melt in a saucepan over low heat). Let cool to warm.

In a small bowl, thoroughly stir toegether the flour, cocoa powder, and salt; set aside. Stir the sugar and brown sugar into the chocolate-butter mixture until well combined. Add eggs, one at a time, stirring after each addition. Add vanilla and stir until the sugar dissolves and the mixture is well blended and smooth. Stir in the flour mixture until evenly incorporated. Turn out the batter into the baking pan, spreading to the edges.

Bake in the middle of the oven for 20-30 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out moist but clean. (It’s okay if the bottom 1/4 inch is still a bit fudgy.) Cool on a wire rack. Cut into squares, wiping the knife clean between cuts.

Store in an airtight container for up to 3 days or freeze for up to 1 month.

Cross-posted to Apikorsus.

I ordered a couple pounds of Efraim’s mahi mahi recently; it was the cheapest variety available, and one I’d never tried, but as I’d never tried it, I was at a loss for recipes. Feeling adventurous, I entered my search query on Google and clicked, “I’m feeling lucky.” A random fishing enthusiasts’ website appeared, and I inspected the first recipe on the list — seemed worth trying, and I had all the right ingredients in my pantry (after a few minor adjustments).

Moments later, I had undercooked fish and an over-thickened, over-lemoned sauce on my hands. Fish went back under the broiler, and I double the quantity of liquid in the sauce to counteract the excessive cornstarch and citrus. The flavor was still imperfect, so I reviewed the recipe and noticed the complete absence of salt; a healthy pinch quickly improved things. What appears below is a revised version of the recipe which avoids the pitfalls I encountered — and just in time to get your fish order in before the Nine Days.

MAHI MAHI WITH LEMON GINGER SAUCE

• 4 6-8 oz. mahi mahi fillets
• 6 shallots, minced
• 1 clove garlic, crushed
• 2 Tbsp. freshly grated ginger
• 1/2 tsp. kosher salt
• 4 Tbsp. unsalted butter
• 1/2 C pareve consomme or vegetable stock
• 2 tsp. cornstarch
• 1/3 C dry white wine
• 2 tsp. grated lemon zest
• 1/2 tsp. freshly ground black pepper
• chopped parsley or chives

Adjust oven rack to highest level, about 5 inches from top. Preheat broiler. Coat broiler pan with ample nonstick cooking spray. (If you don’t have a dairy broiler pan, place a cooling rack in a rimmed baking pan.)

In a small bowl or measuring cup, mix consomme or stock with cornstarch; set aside.

Melt 3 Tbsp. of the butter in a medium skillet and add the shallots, ginger, garlic, and salt. Cook, stirring occasionally, until golden, about 8 minutes. Remove from heat, and brush fillets with half of shallot mixture.

Broil fillets for six to eight minutes, depending on the thickness of your fillets, turning once. The fish will brown just a bit on the edges, and should flake easily. (Don’t overcook! Residual heat will continue to cook the fillets after they’re removed from the broiler.)

Add wine, zest, and pepper to remaining shallot mixture and return pan to low heat. Simmer gently until most of the liquid evaporates, about 10 minutes. Raise heat to medium and whisk in the consomme-cornstarch mixture, stirring until thickened slightly, about 1 minute. Add additional salt to taste.

Spoon sauce on each fillet, sprinkle a bit of parsley or chives, and serve.

After reading this comment, I decided to explore Kosherquest and discovered the following alert:

Fleischmann’s Original Margarine continues to be found with O/U parve on the outside box and O/Ud on the inside individual bars. The product is dairy.

I figured this would happen eventually, but it’s still upsetting.

I guess it’s time to start baking with Smart Balance. Too bad it’s only available salted, in tubs. (Why can’t I find Earth Balance sticks anywhere?)

UPDATE: Joe points out that Fleischmann’s Original Margarine is the salted variety, which has been dairy for as long as I can remember. Fleischmann’s Unsalted Margarine is still parve.

I was browsing the newly rennovated Chowhound (which has subsumed the short-lived CHOW magazine, BTW) the other day, when I came across this fine homage to Potato Kugel. Maybe not the best reading on a fast-day, but who doesn’t love a good potato kugel?

Manischewitz is holding a Kosher cook-off. Among the prizes are GE Profile™ Stainless Steel Kitchen Appliances, a $5,000 check from Manischewitz and a $3,000 U.S. Savings Bond. All you need is a recipe using Manischewitz products, requiring 8 ingredients or less (not including salt, pepper & water) which can be prepared in an hour or less. Alas, as an employee of a Time Warner company, I’m not eligible (The judging is being done by Cooking Light Magazine - another Time Warner company). Good luck!

Apologies for my absence these last several weeks. I’ve been working long hours and also trying to eat in a healthier, less indulgent manner so, regrettably, my usual hobbies of cooking, eating, and blogging have fallen by the wayside.

Some time ago, I noticed in my medicine cabinet a bottle of rubbing alcohol with a Kof-K heksher. It seemed only slightly peculiar, so it fell to the recesses of my mind. A question sent to the blog about an OU-certified Shoprite variety restirred my curiosity: does rubbing alcohol present any particular kashrut concerns that would require it to fall under religious supervision?

The answer to that question, I learned, is a firm “no,” but the Orthodox Union’s response left me unsettled, as most of their measured, political responses do.

We certify many products that don’t necessarily require a certification, Isopropyl Rubbing Alcohol being one of them. The company may choose to certify a non-edible product as kosher as a sure sign of cleanliness. We do, however, make certain, once we are already certifying the product, that there are no animal derivatives or the like in the alcohol.

My discomfort manifests in three regards, listed by increasing severity.

Distortion of Kashrut Certification. I’ve often seen in kosher-related marketing materials that every-day consumers, Jewish or not, see kosher certification as a sign of “cleanliness” akin to the Good Houskeeping seal of approval. While it makes for quaint chatter, kosher certification is nothing of the sort. Kosher-certified means, plainly, “assured to be prepared in accordance with Jewish dietary laws.” Our non-Jewish lactose-intolerant friends, for example, should be encouraged to use the “pareve” distinction to assure absence of dairy ingredients, but we must resist representing “kosher” beyond its true essence.

Irrelevant Use of Kashrut Certification. If Jewish dietary law does not impact a product’s fitness for use, no form of kosher certification should be made available. We’ve witnessed this on the blog before, regarding chicken eggs; additionally, there is a specific group of foods which absolutely does not require supervision (known as “Category One” items), and yet many can be found with hekshers.

Disregard for Life-Threatening Danger. Isopropyl (rubbing) alcohol is poisonous, affecting both the central nervous system (headache, dizziness, confusion) and gastrointestinal system (abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting, gastritis), with the potential to cause blindness, coma, or death. There are three classes of people who are inclined to consume isopropyl alcohol: alcoholics, children, and those who attempt suicide. Imagine, heaven forbid, a Jewish child or a Jewish alcoholic who is unfamiliar with the aforementioned risks but notices that this bottle of “alcohol” has an OU or Kof-K heksher — it’s “kosher,” so it must be safe to drink, right? All of a sudden, a pseudo-righteous desire to assure “no animal derivatives or the like in the alcohol” has become lethal.

Like me, you may be quick to blame these certifiers for stepping beyond the bounds of kashrut supervision, but the blame is not entirely theirs. I had the great pleasure to speak at length to a rabbinic representative from the Kof-K regarding the matter, and he described the complexities of his work. It often starts with a well-meaning, but uneducated consumer. Mr. Cohen, while visiting his local supermarket, asks a clerk if the store carries kosher-certified peppercorns (a product which you and I know does not need certification). The well-meaning clerk, who hasn’t a clue, informs his supervisor that a customer wanted kosher-certified peppercorns but couldn’t find it. The well-meaning supervisor passes the information to the store’s regional purchasing director, and the well-meaning director, eager to bring better products into his stores, asks his spice supplier if they carry kosher-certified peppercorns. The well-meaning supplier, aware that future business with the supermarket chain could be riding on this request, assures the purchasing director that he can deliver — “my garlic powder has certification, why not get it for peppercorns, too?” So, the supplier calls up his friendly rabbinic supervisor and says he needs his peppercorns certified. “They don’t need certification, they’re kosher as is,” insists the rabbi. “Well, my buyer wants them certified,” replies the supplier. The rabbi reiterates, “They’re naturally kosher, I’d be ripping you off to certify them.” “Okay, so let me put your symbol on it for free,” suggests the supplier, but the rabbi can’t allow that either — a heksher is a valuable trademark. So, at the end of our well-meaning road to irrelevant certification, the rabbi, committed to serving (and retaining) his clients, levies a nominal surcharge so his heksher can appear on the supplier’s peppercorns, and everyone — the rabbi, the supplier, the director, the supervisor, the clerk, the customer — is happy with the newly-certified product. The price hasn’t changed, and the symbol probably attracts a few other enthusiastic (and ignorant) customers — but kashrut at its essence suffers as a result.

So, step one: become a better-educated consumer! Know what products are kosher without supervision (I’m in the process of compiling some of that information, stay tuned). Keep your rabbi on speed-dial if you have a question while in the supermarket.

Step two: become a more active consumer! If you find a product with a clearly irrelevant heksher, contact the producer and let them know they don’t need the symbol to get your business, and tell them why. While you’re at it, carbon-copy the kashrut agency or write them a separate message questioning their decision to certify.

Step three: pressure the kashrut industry! In addition the per-product agitation, push the industry as a whole (i.e. the Association of Kashrus Organizations) to adopt and publicize uniform standards on what they will or won’t certify. If there’s no chance Agency B will certify peppercorns, then Agency A needn’t worry that his client will jump ship over the matter. As for non-edible items with kashrut or kashrut-esque concerns, like dish detergent or pet food, perhaps certifiers should adopt alternative symbols that indicate some conformance with Jewish law but do not suggest any fitness for consumption.

It would be a real tragedy if serious harm had to befall a Jewish child or alcoholic before such policies change.

Have you ever been tempted to buy Ezekiel 4:9 Bread just because of its name? I haven’t.

When God tells Ezekiel to make bread from wheat, barley, beans, lentils, millet, and spelt, He’s describing the type of food that the Jews would be forced to eat in exile. Normal bread would have been made from wheat flour alone, as it is today. This bread, in contrast, is made from all kinds of garbage. It’s supposed to taste like crap. Ezekiel even cooks it over crap (though in those days, that was considered normal). The bread is actually supposed to be cooked over human crap, but the prophet manages to wriggle out of that one and upgrade to bovine crap.

At any rate, it isn’t supposed to be good.

The producers of Ezekiel 4:9 bread explain why we should be expected to eat this stuff:

We discovered when these six grains and legumes are sprouted and combined, an amazing thing happens. A complete protein is created that closely parallels the protein found in milk and eggs.

Of course, they could have created the same whole protein from any combination of grains and legumes. But never mind; they decided to follow God’s recipe, and the result is, in fact, quite nutritious, with a full 4 grams of protein per slice in addition to three grams of dietary fiber. So when a friend left town and gave me her leftover Ezekiel 4:9 bread, I was willing to try it.

Truth be told, it doesn’t taste like crap. It tastes pretty much like bread. There’s a mild sourdough-like flavor in the background and a hint of sprouts that I think I might even develop a taste for over time. Or not. But I’ll certainly finish the package.

This experience has led me to reconsider Ezekiel’s so-called ordeal. He got to lie around for a year and a half and eat reasonably decent, high-protein bread that he didn’t have to cook over human dung after all. Compared to marrying a cheating prostitute (Hosea) or walking around wearing yoke-bars (Jeremiah), that really doesn’t seem so bad.

Cross-posted to Apikorsus.
Note: The bread is Kof-K parve.